bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
