I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
