Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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