Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
