my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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