The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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