when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
