mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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