Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
