And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
