What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
