Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
