You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
