Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The air taste purple.
Randomize
