apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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