I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
