So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
