He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
