I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
