Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
