You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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