we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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