can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
