this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
