I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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