Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
That's intense
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
