i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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