dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
