I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
