there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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