At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your face is a jimmy john
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sober January is a disaster.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
