Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
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I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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