i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she smelled like a LAN party
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
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