I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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