overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
