I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
