Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
