also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
