I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
