I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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