tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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