He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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