I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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