someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
