i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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