Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize