when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
People in love make me want to vomit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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