She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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