Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
