fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
