Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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