Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
