The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
