The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
