i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
