when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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