i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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