Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
