Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
