Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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