I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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